As Westerners, we have inherited the dysfunction of self blame, and the bitter rejection of parts of ourselves and others that don’t fit with an idealized image…

Whether or not we consider ourselves Christian or Jewish, the ideas of good and evil, and the rejection of what is confused and suffering are the shadow side of our collective values, but these can only take a person and a culture so far. If we are going to understand ourselves and others we need to understand how our mind works, and that we can either avoid, or learn to look deeply into our experience, and find resolution to suffering.

There is a phrase by Milarepa that I found on a card at the first retreat I ever went to here in California, in 1989.

It said,

Contemplate all energies without fear or disgust, for that is the stone that turns everything to gold.

– and I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, because I have found those qualities in my own way of looking. Fear and disgust are certainly rejection and avoidance, sometimes subtilly, or aggressively pushing away, or shutting down perception, and I can see how these effect not only my own looking into problems, struggling, and difficulties, but how it also extends to the way we deal with challenges collectively.

To begin to see more clearly, and to learn to care for ourselves, we need qualities that are completely different.

We need honesty, and courage, the willingness to look, and most of all, we need compassion.

When I think about shame, the image that represents this universally is a person covering their face. This means, literally, ‘I cannot look’, or, ‘I do not want to be seen like this’.

Imagine if we went to a caring and skilled doctor, with a wound, but would not want to show it to him. He would have to patiently convince us that we are safe with him, and that he needs to see the condition, to begin the process of healing.

The opposite of fear and rejection is clearly open hearted compassion, and this is the path we need to take to begin to tenderly hold our own suffering, and that of our family, neighbors, communities, and world.

We begin with ourselves to understand what it feels like to have a part of life not known, or seen, or, that feels shameful to us, and is hidden away for that reason. It can lead to every strategy ever invented to avoid feeling, or knowing directly – binge watching programs, alcohol and drug use, or relationships, for example, and endless activity for the sake of distracting ourselves.

What we need is something very different. The one quality that is not judgmental rejection, but is the exact opposite of this, that has not least denial, or aversion, but is wanting to know, and to care for ourself and others is a great compassion, that is gentle, and courageous, dedicated, and enduring.

We naturally relax and open up when we meet this quality of heart, whether it is from a kind parent, or from a wise teacher, or from our own deeper nature.

We need to tenderly hold what is hurt in us, not turning away at all, so that we can begin to see more deeply into the causes of our suffering, and its cessation.

The appearance of suffering is actually a precious opportunity to witness, to begin to understand ourselves more and more, and to heal.

We can do this without even the slightest irritation, or neglect, or impatience, but with more attention and care, with our resources of light and peace, and strength. This is what is needed, for as long as it is needed.

What is true on a personal level, we can also tell is true with those we know and care for – our friends and family, and those in our community who suffer and cause suffering. They too may have learned to reject themselves, mirroring the reactions of authority figures and society, and feel shame and guilt, keeping the truth hidden, but this does not further any of our aims for peace and wholeness.

What has been rejected here as well needs to be warmly embraced, with no judgement, and with no shame; with steady unconditional love and compassion, and the willingness to look deeply for as long as it takes, in order to understand.

This is the Great Work of healing deeply, and then becoming an effective agent of change in the lives of others, and this is all one action of the spirit within us.